I’ve been really reading into this and have lots to say so I’ll probably give more links soon.

Check out Alfie Kohn

2. Creating praise junkies. To be sure, not every use of praise is a calculated tactic to control children’s behavior. Sometimes we compliment kids just because we’re genuinely pleased by what they’ve done. Even then, however, it’s worth looking more closely. Rather than bolstering a child’s self-esteem, praise may increase kids’ dependence on us. The more we say, “I like the way you….” or “Good ______ing,” the more kids come to rely on our evaluations, our decisions about what’s good and bad, rather than learning to form their own judgments. It leads them to measure their worth in terms of what will lead us to smile and dole out some more approval.

Wiki’s Reinforcement

Suppose parents, for fear of spoiling their baby or letting her manipulate them, restrain themselves from responding to her cries and develop a more distant, low-touch style of parenting. What happens then? The baby must either cry harder and more disturbingly to get her needs met or give up and withdraw. In either case, she finds that her caregiving world is not responsive. Eventually, since her cues are not responded to, she learns not to give cues. She senses something is missing in her life. She becomes angry and either outwardly hostile or withdrawn. In the first case, the baby is not very nice to be around, and parents find ways to avoid her. In the second case, the baby is harder to connect with, and again, parents and child enjoy each other less. Either way, this child will be difficult to discipline. She comes to believe that safety and security depend on no one but herself. Problems in relationships develop when a child grows up thinking she only has herself to trust in. Since the parents don’t allow themselves to respond intuitively to their baby’s cues, they become less sensitive and lose confidence in their parenting skills, another set-up for discipline problems.

You can tell the unconnected baby by his expression – or lack of one. He does not seek eye contact and he does not evoke the warm feelings so evident with connected babies. “He looks lost” is a comment we once heard about an unconnected baby. You can also tell an unconnected baby by the way he holds himself stiff, as if conformed to his baby seat rather than to soft shoulders. As the unconnected child gets older, much of his time is spent in misbehavior, and he is on the receiving end of constant reprimands; or he tunes out and seems to live in his own separate world. This child becomes known as sullen, a brat, a whiner, or a spoiled kid. These undesirable behaviors are really coping strategies the child uses in search of a connection. The unconnected child doesn’t know how to regain a sense of well-being because he has no yardstick to measure attachment. He has difficulty finding a connection because he isn’t sure what he lost. This scene results in path-up parenting, with perhaps much time spent in counselors’ offices.

The unconnected child is less motivated to please; he’s less of a joy to be around. As a result, unconnected parents don’t find job satisfaction on the domestic scene, so they seek fulfillment in professions and in relationships not involving their child. Parent and child drift further apart. Unlike the connected child who is a joy to be around and develops healthy friendships, peers may shun the unconnected child. He may even put off people who can help him form connections. The emotionally rich get richer, and the emotionally poor get poorer. With professional counseling, children and parents can begin connecting and settle into a style of discipline that brings out the best in each other. It will require a lot of energy to accomplish this at a stage when it is naturally designed to happen. Newborns are more into being held than six- or nine-year- olds. The best chance for staying connected later on is to get connected early….”

I have not read through all of this site yet but I did like the answer to this question on discipline. 

 “…I understand that spanking children is bad because it teaches them it is OK to inflict physical pain on others. But I really don’t understand why you say that other disciplinary responses when children do something wrong, such as time-outs or taking away privileges like talking on the phone, are not OK. These responses do seem to work and I can’t see they are harming my children. Could you please explain your position…

Don’t forget discipline works only because we are bigger and stronger and because we control the resources they need. Given that the ultimate basis for our ability to manage our children’s behavior is power, and given all children copy the way their parents treat them, how we use the power we have will shape the way our children treat themselves and how they treat others. Time-outs and consequences are emotionally harsh even though they are not physically violent. When children copy these strategies for handling differences of opinion, they may become adults who withdraw from relationships when the other disagrees with them or who use money or other material goods in controlling, punitive ways. This is why we advocate loving regulation as a way of managing children’s behavior. In loving regulation, the parent steps in and regulates the behavior without ever adding unpleasant consequences such as time-outs. Loving regulation is nonviolent parenting; in this increasingly violent world, we need to raise our children to be adults who can tolerate others’ differences without resorting to violence-physical or emotional….”

Its interesting what comes up when you type into google. I look at so many different sites and read so many different things. This is from Jewish News…keep an open mind and see what everyone says is what I keep saying as I keep learning.

Here is an except.

“….Children deserve to receive time and attention from parents - and quantity time is the real definition of quality time. If parents are not personally and significantly involved in the development of their child, then the child cannot be blamed or punished for becoming wayward or rebellious….”

by Jan Hunt and Naomi Aldort

Symptoms

Many parents wonder why their child does something like hit or bite, yell or snatch. They only see the child’s behaviors not their own.

Naomi Aldort

“…A child will speak in a gentle tone if he hears his parents speaking kindly to him, and to others. He is likely to keep things neat if he has experienced others’ commitment to their surroundings. He will learn to share from being shared with, and from being respected when he is not ready to share. He will learn to say “thank you” by receiving and observing many expressions of gratitude. The only way to know when to expect the development of certain behaviors is by observation of the child. In the meantime, parents can lead not by controlling or instructing, but rather by example and clear, gentle guidance….”

Mary Ainsworth (an American developmental psychologist known for her work in early emotional attachment) has done many studies a few years ago on different parenting styles and what the outcomes are.

Check out my other blog to view a little short video

“….Characteristics of Secure Attachment
Children who are securely attached do not experience significant distress when separated from caregivers. When frightened, these children will seek comfort from the parent or caregiver. Contact initiated by a parent is readily accepted by securely attached children and they greet the return of a parent with positive behavior. While these children do not become exceptionally distressed by a parent’s absence, they clearly prefer parents to strangers.

Parents of securely attached children tend to play more with their children. Additionally, these parents react more quickly to their children’s needs and are generally more responsive to their children than the parents of insecurely attached children. Studies have shown that securely attached children are more empathetic during later stages of childhood.
These children are also described as less disruptive, less aggressive, and more mature than children with ambivalent or avoidant attachment styles.

As adults, those who are securely attached tend to have trusting, long-term relationships. Other key characteristics of securely attached individuals include having high self-esteem, enjoying intimate relationships, seeking out social support, and an ability to share feelings with other people….”

Which one are you? And which one would you like your child to be? 

As Canadian psychiatrist Dr. Elliott Barker wrote
Kids who have their needs met early by loving parents….. are subjected totally and thoroughly to the most severe form of ‘discipline’ conceivable; they don’t do what you don’t want them to do because they love you so much!
Quote taken from “The Natural Child” by Jan Hunt
Visit Empathic Parenting to see more by Dr. Elliott Barker
Visit Natural Child  to read an interview done by Jan

Again my friends these people are NOT computer savvy please forgive them but read the information.